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» Helio Gracie Introduces New Fighting System
May 09, 2008 - 6:54 PM - by The Kraken!
Helio Gracie Introduces New Fighting System
by The Kraken!

The man who changed the face of fighting many decades ago is about to do it again. Helio Gracie has developed a new kickboxing discipline that's going to change fighting forever. No longer will qualities like size, speed, and power be a factor in determining who wins a fight - only technique. This is the Father of Modern MMA's assertion.

Speaking in English without a translator for the first time, Master Gracie laid out his vision:
"There one time was a time when to make fight and do win one had to pull a guard. Now time of this is over." (at this Helio grinned proudly to his sons - see pic below)

The famous fighting Gracie brothers


"I has trained the sons of me again from begin. No more they are man handlers on backs. Today is striker's world and tomorrow will is Gracie Tae Bo's world. I only haves sad that Ryan not live to master GTB."

Experts in all corners of the MMA world are desperately trying to figure out what the new techniques coming at them will be. Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovich has one guess: "I am thinking they will try to kick me." When asked how he'd defend such an unexpected assault from a Gracie Tae Bo master, Mirko merely breathed into... [Read More]
228 Views
» Fuckers I Hate: Fight Night Edition #1
Apr 03, 2008 - 3:07 PM - by The Kraken!
Fuckers I Hate: Fight Night Edition #1
by MagnumCT


Welcome friends to the first edition of "Fuckers I Hate." I'm your host Magnum "Chicken" Tokyo. Tonight, I'll examine the latest UFC Fight Night for the fuckingest fuckers I fucking hate. Let's begin, shall we?

Frankie Edgar. Let's take a look at this fucker.

-This fucker is a wrestling coach at Rutgers. A wrestling coach. A COLLEGE wrestling coach. This fucker comes in with that distinction and proceeds to get tooled...in WRESTLING, by a guy named Gray. Gray.

-This fucker is named "Frankie." Hey Edgar, it's not even cute when a toddler goes by "Frankie," OK? All I can think of is Cody Banks, and I've never even SEEN that shit...or have I? We bring the mystery here on FIH. Frankie. Fuck. Fucking fucker. Also, he has two first names. Not cool.

Kenny Florian. Our good friend Luke "Slaughter" Stryzinski has already put the words to the hate of this particular fucker, but there's enough hate to go around for everyone. Luke almost got it covered, but no one can ascend Mount St. Eyebrows and plant the flag of hate on those expansive peaks. No one's hate is that all-encompassing. No one can soak those behemoths in a fiery torrent of rage and disgust. No one can. But I can. I will. I must. I have.

-I've hated this fucker... [Read More]
250 Views
» MMAthematical Proof (Mirko = Worst of All Time)
Mar 28, 2008 - 1:45 AM - by Bulldog
MMAthematical Proof (Mirko = Worst of All Time)
By MagnumCT

MMAth has been challenged. It has been challenged to prove that Mirko “Cro-Cop” Filipovic is one of the worst fighters ever to fight. I will go one further. I will prove that he is THE worst fighter. How will I do it? MMAth.

Who is generally considered the worst fighter? In my day, it was Alexander Otsuka. Of the Japanese can trifecta of Otsuka-Shoji-Matsui, Otsuka was without a doubt the worst. Or so it seemed. Three years ago I showed you why Shoji is better than Filipovic[1]. Today, I will show you why Otsuka is better than them all[2]. And worse. Observe.

Now as you know, MMAth usually takes the form of a less-than/greater-than inequality. This is typically to show why one fighter is better (or worse) than another fighter. In this case, I will need to show that Filipovic is worse than ALL fighters. Therefore, it requires a more complex proof. Note that within it you will see the typical inequality format. Try to follow along, and if you get confused, you can ask questions at the end.

Known and Unknown

Known: Alexander Otsuka is a better fighter than Mirko Filipovic.
Proof: Otsuka > Ruas > Goodridge > Frye > Yvel > Kongo > Filipovic

Unknown: Why is Otsuka > Filipovic significant?
Proof: I... [Read More]
199 Views
» What Makes the Ultimate MMA Fighter?
Mar 13, 2008 - 6:52 PM - by The Kraken!
What Makes the Ultimate MMA Fighter?
by Eloy82

Dear Readers,

I have been reading your fan mail and I have been asked by you that my next article be about what truly makes a great MMA fighter. What are those innate characteristics that comprise the ultimate warrior in the ring (or in the weaker organizations, the cage)? I really liked the topic you have chosen for me because it is not an easy one. And if there is one thing that I enjoy, at least whilst at the computer, it is a challenge. Hence, I have spent the last half hour, at the place of my employment, researching all the traits possessed by the greatest fighters of our time. After fifteen minutes of in-depth analysis, I am ready to present to you the areas of a fighter’s life which must be conquered in order to become the superior MMA warrior.

It will come as a surprise to you, however, to learn that when I say that a fighter must conquer these areas, what I mean is that he must actually acquire freedom from them! But, I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s first look at what these areas are. There are only two: Conformity and Morality. While every fighter, at the beginning of his training, learns to adhere to these two pillars of fighting, it is ironic that these very same pillars, later on, contribute to that same fighter’s downfall. Why? Because the fighter no longer thinks for himself. He becomes an automaton, simply... [Read More]
235 Views
» Everybody's Got A Fucking List!
Jan 08, 2008 - 12:50 PM - by The Kraken!
(Editor's Note: We here at SH5 are proud to introduce Dana White as a special guest-columnist. Dana will be contributing articles for us "whenever I goddamn feel like it, kid".)

EVERYBODY'S GOT A FUCKING LIST!
By Dana White

Yo, internet tough guys, what's up with every one of you sniveling punks coming up with your own meaningless top 10 (or top 18.34!) list? It's complete farce! You think your sloppy "journalism" means anything to me or anyone else? Grow up! I mean, I'm seeing lists at Sherdick, Stubfighter, MMA Weakly, Joey's MMA, Full Frontal Fighter, Third Hook, Sloppy Seconds, whatever--the list goes on and on. And the lists! For fistfucking sake! Top 10 Promising 122 Pounders?! Top 8 Greats Of Rear Naked Choke Defense?! What are you boys thinking? More like Top 100 Snot-Nosed "Journalist" Jackoffs!

Look, let me explain to you how much your whiny little pipsqueak voices matter. Here it is, assholes. While you're banging your knobby little internet warrior mittens away on your keyboards, I'm out getting the best fighters in the world. That's right, dickheads, I've got the top 300 fucking guys. I own them. Everybody from Randy Cou-fucking-ture to Marvin "The Beastmaster" Eastman. Stick THAT in your piddly limp-dick articles. If I were you, I'd just go home to Mommy, live in her basement until I'm 55 and work at fucking Blockbuster all my... [Read More]
247 Views
» News Archive
Title, Username, & Date Last Post Replies Views
MMA Set To Blow Its Wad
12-05-2007 02:42 AM
12-05-2007 02:42 AM
by The Kraken!
0 279
The Kraken! to cut down to 145 lbs for UFC 76
09-21-2007 10:19 PM
09-21-2007 10:19 PM
by The Kraken!
0 326
Submitted for your approval:(#5) 05/23/07
05-23-2007 10:36 PM
05-23-2007 10:37 PM
by vodkaholico
1 307
Submitted for your Approval (#4-04/29/07)
04-30-2007 11:33 AM
04-30-2007 11:37 AM
by vodkaholico
2 345
The Year Of The Upset
04-24-2007 05:53 PM
04-24-2007 05:53 PM
by The Kraken!
0 378
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